Just when I thought I might start dating again, I saw this:
Now, I don't mean to be heartless or insensitive to the plight of the Tree Man, but when I discovered that this was, in fact, a real condition and not just someone made up with latex and makeup to look like he was turning into a tree for sort of a "Ripley's Believe it or Not" kind of moment, I was horrified and disgusted. His condition literally made my skin crawl from head to toe.
And when I learned that what was causing this terrible condition was not some rare, unknown tropical disease, but instead. . . . .
HUMAN PAPILLOMA VIRUS
yes, that's right, the sexually transmitted disease that also causes the oh-so-popular genital warts and cervical cancer (as if those two possibilities aren't bad enough), I am considering becoming permanently celibate.
Instead of showing children in school pictures of blisters and oozing pustules on various genitalia, they should show them TREE MAN. I am convinced that this would do more than anything to single-handedly stop the rise of teenage pregnancy. In fact, I think teen sex might cease to exist altogether.
Perhaps you are saying, "Come on, Mama Solo. Yes, this man does have a terrible STD that has ravaged his entire body, but this isn't that common. You can't avoid dating and intimacy forever just based on this!"
True, Tree Man may be a one in a million case, but you don't know me! I have terrible luck! I wouldn't be the one in a million to win the lottery. NO. I'd be the one in a million who, after being single and celibate for over four years due to the demands of single parenthood, ventured into the dating world only to become world-famous as TREE WOMAN: The first known case of HPV gone wild in the west!
Thanks, Tree Man. I think you just may have permanently ended my sex life!